So when last we met our hero, she was on the brink of major life exploration. How, you ask?
My four step bondage immersion plan!
Pre-Step: Seek community
Step 1: Find community
Step 2:Enter community
Step 3: Reflect
Step 4: Adjust realities
My plan was foolproof! Ummmm, but I don't think I anticipated how scary this whole thing was gonna be. I'm still on Step 2's precipice.
So here's how it sorta went down.
STEP 1: FIND COMMUNITY
Brimming with enthusiasm, I tapped my keyboard: "S&M Community Shanghai." Up came a series of expat articles about sex parties that had been discontinued thanks to the government.
http://tinyurl.com/q6ud5ze
Pause.
Dating sites are not my thing. I see the merit of them, though. Tailoring your search with a few personal profile details and searching for the exact kinda person you want...I can see that. Not to mention the vast reaching scale of these things. However, my type is a little hard to quantify by height, race, or creed. Namely, I really like caring, athletic, intellectual, ass holes.
Do you play an intense sport, work out a bunch, and have a super biting wit? I may be into you.
Play.
So I was on this S&M dating/ hook up site. I. was. freaking. out.
There were pictures of all kinds penises and leather and shit. Now...I won't say I wasn't aroused, but fucking shit was I overwhelmed. I think I was hoping for a slow and deliberate entry into this world. As it stood, I was diving in and drowning.
STEP 2: ENTERING COMMUNITY
So I click on the register button and start to create my profile. Barrier 1: How do I identify?
Answer: Fuck if I know.
They're askin me if I'm master or a bottom or a switch or a babygirl...
I eventually click switch because I know what that means and it fits me as far as I can tell.
So I start searching through the Shanghai options and find some cool communities. Barrier 2: Membership time requirement
For the group I wanted to enter, I needed to be a member of the site for at least 2 months or something. (I forget cuz I have yet to go back to the site.) Needless to say, I was bummed and still extremely overwhelmed.
I immediately exited the site and laid on my bed, crying.
Not exactly sure why this felt a bit traumatizing. My theory is that I went about this the wrong way for me. I'd want a mentor. Someone who could lead me into this world and allow me to ask questions on the way. Someone who I could test my interests on.
About 3 months before this incident, I met someone kinda like that. She was my pseudo sugar mama. Yes, I had an almost sorta kinda sugar mama.
Definition of Sugar Mama according to Urban Dictionary:
A woman (often an older woman) who holds her
man/woman in nice standing with money, food, an apartment, etc. -- not
always used in a derogatory fashion, or merely in exchange for sex, but
because she can.
There were three definitions, but I like this one the best because of the, "not always...derogatory" and the "because she can" parts.
Anyway. The reason she was a pseudo Sugar Mama is because while she was using me for sex while her boyfriend was away, and while she did buy me breakfast and taxis and give me small things, we were more like friends with benefits? Besides she was only about six years older than me...
Ok so she was basically my Sugar Ma. I can't think of a way to disprove it. At any rate.
She was a submissive. So sometimes I'd get to be a bit more aggressive, however, it was never to the satisfactory levels. I felt like I needed her boyfriend to be there so that I could check with him to see how hard was too hard, since he already knew. I kinda asked him once, and he hinted I could go harder, but I think that fear thing really grabbed hold of me. I'm desperately afraid of hurting someone. I say desperate for two reasons.
1.One because I'm desperate to feel that fear as I inflict pain. I think the fear, pleasure, and pain will somehow wrap into this very visceral sensation. 2.Secondly because this fear is debilitating, making my exploration hopeless, paused by my inhibitions.
Blah...so now I gotta figure out my next course of action. Maybe I shouldn't be this proactive. I maybe should just chill and wait until I'm ready for another relationship and save the rough stuff for then.
Ugh. TBC |
