Hey hey!
So I realize I haven't written in some time, but I swear! I have....no good excuse whatsoever. Why so long you might ask? Since we last met I've wallowed in a sea of self inflicted busyness and stress. I've quit my job in NYC, packed my shit, and in 2 weeks I'll be living in Shanghai.
http://tinyurl.com/7uxltxa
Ok so this is a pretty major life change, but I still should have and could have made time to write at least once in the last like 3 months. For that, I apologize.
At present I am sitting bored shitless in Douglasville, Georgia eating the most delicious watermelon and the freshest tomatoes. I guess, despite my boredom, living in a place where I can sit on my porch and eat watermelon that grew 5 minutes down the road is a pretty fucking sweet existence.
During my reflective melon moment, I started thinking about sex. No surprises there. But more specifically about fear. On some fundamental level, sex is terrifying. Not necessarily the actual act of sex. I mean yes, losing the V-card has that mixed "Oh God pleeeeeeaase don't let it hurt like they say" and the "Oh man this is gonna be exciting" kind of terror. However, I'm referring to the fear of what people will think; the fear of what your sexual interests will reflect about you as a person.
I grew up straddling city limits in Metro Atlanta where there's that fine line between "real Atlanta" and the burbs. Well I belonged to both. I sat splayed with one barefoot firmly planted on Douglasville's formerly dirt roads and one flip flopped foot skipping excitedly in Atlanta's multiculturalism. Whichever side I was on however, sex was apart of my life from an early age. Folks in Dville fucked outta boredom and perhaps the ATLiens did too. All things considered, I was able to avoid having sex until I was 16.
Fastforward >> passed the sexual hesitance to the point when I comfortably ecstatic to be having sex with my then boyfriend of 8mths or so.
Stop.
Me and my boyfriend are wrestling playfully on his bed. Loud laughter. Heavy breathing. Painful squeals. He chokes me by accident. Surprised moan(s)?
http://tinyurl.com/d5omars
Pause.
WHAT THE FUCK?!!
Play.
Fear slowly setting in. Fear that I'm some sort of deviant for liking the roughness. Is this a gateway? What will I like next, blah blah blah...
But you see my point right. People associate sex acts with all of these greater implications: both character and moral value judgements.
If you hookup with a chick and you're female, you must be a lez. You can't possibly just wanna try it out or just be interested in the person regardless of gender.
We're fascinated by labels. Because let's face it: labels make life easier.
Tangent.
In my high school Theory of Knowledge class my professor pointed at a pile objects and said find the paper clip. The pile had little metal paperclips, clothespins, those big heavy duty paper clasps, and other similar objects. Naturally the class picked the traditional paper clip. At that point my teacher picked up a clothespin and clipped the papers he was holding in his left hand. Then with questioning eyes asked us why it wasn't a paper clip if it was holding the papers together. Long story short, he went on this rant about function affecting nomenclature or a name dictating function.
But I had a point......
Oh folks need labels to reduce confusion. Or better still. Folks need labels to tell them how they should behave in society. Call someone stupid enough times and they start to believe it. ANYWAY!
So now I've long since come to terms with my sexual interests and quite enjoy my sex life. But I've recently learned that not everyone is able to enjoy their sex lives fully because they're afraid to try new things because of what people might think about them. Men won't try sex toys because they don't wanna be "replaced" by something potentially more talented than them. Women won't have threesomes because they're afraid their boyfriends will love them less. People won't fuck animals because..... well I guess ya gotta draw a line somewhere.
Perhaps that's the bigger fear. Fear of abandonment or fear of losing function. That fear of being a girlfriend in label but not in function.
I think society puts a premium on a certain type of romance. Namely vanilla monogamy. Don't get me wrong there is NOTHING wrong with traditional monogamy. Nor is there anything wrong with "normal" sex. Different strokes for different folks and all that shit. I just think not having a more healthy diversified narrative makes folks feel deviant and reluctant to try new shit some times.
http://tinyurl.com/dxle8tc
Then again. It's kinda nice to be deviant and feel deviant. That's kind of the appeal of kinky is that it's...well kinky and not the norm. I think there are some who are afraid of people finding out they don't have kinky sex.
I think the bigger issue is that people don't necessarily feel that they can trust their partners or friends with their sexual interests. And for that I don't know what the remedy is...
I'll end with a excerpt from a GQ article about secret fetishes, My Hardcore Obsession:
"I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered how many gang bangs I would have to suffer in heaven. Was it like an eye for an eye—a gang bang for a gang bang—or was it some sort of eternal gang bang that never ended? Would I be anally violated? Would I be spanked? Did they have ropes and ball gags and Ron Jeremy in heaven?"
Why should we feel guilty for what we're into? Like as long as we're not violating someone's rights and shit we should be fine.
Anywho!
I'll try to post more regularly. Check back on Sunday for another post.
Happy Thursday!
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